Write so you won't forget...
In April of 2014, something happened that changed my heart. This post was originally written in the winter of 2015.
I was spending a great deal of time in prayer searching out God's Will for my life. I came back home to my boys when I left teaching. I spend my day serving my family and God when He needs me too. Sometimes it feels like there is more I should be doing...
Sometimes when you least expect it God gives you a vision you can not deny.
God spoke one day...I will not forget calling a few girl friends with a beating heart and telling them that in 8 months I would have a daughter....no I wasn't pregnant. I didn't and still don't know why 8 months was significant but I figured December was the month things would change.
God told me almost 9 months ago to get ready.
So, James and I talked and we started putting into motion the process of private adoption because we thought that was what we should do.
The first place we talked to was local but it didn't feel right. The other place we looked into seemed hopeful so we started the paper work but something stopped us, a cold hard stop.
Last August on a road trip my husband said...I think fostering a child is what we are meant to do.
I was surprised. I never thought of that and I certainly didn't think I'd hear it from him.
So, since August we have been praying and letting Jesus take the wheel.
8 months came and went.
Nothing happened...so for a moment I questioned everything.
On my prayer list that I started recently I wrote down "Family: land & adoption"
These are two things we have had on our hearts, buying land and adoption.
We didn't know what God would have us do so we pray over them and watch for His answers.
We do know that we will find land, we have our heart set on 5 or so acres for our children to play on and we won't have to worry. But God laid it on our hearts that we will buy it and pay for it in full before we make a move. That we know!
Adoption? Why is this so strong on our hearts. I have prayed and prayed over this since our babies were little. I asked God to take the desire away if it were not of Him. I didn't want it to be something I had in my own head. The desire never left...it grew.
While on a run last week I ran past a little building in my home town that I have seen for years and years. It is right behind the playschool my kids attended. I found myself standing in the street looking at this building...a light house. I snapped a picture and sent it to my husband.
He said..."call them". I did one better, I went back and walked through their door.
I was greeted by a tall man named Eric.
He and I talked for awhile.
So many things he randomly said impacted me.
They couldn't be a coincidence.
Could it be that every fear I had was removed before walking out....every fear was removed.
God does not give us a spirit of fear.
I still walked around wondering if this was the thing we were meant to do. Not really wondering if but how it would all play out.
Today is orientation at that little building with the lighthouse....
My eyes popped open at 5:30. I got up. There was a light on. My boys were asleep together and the lamp was on. I went back to bed and tossed and turned. I wrestled with the urge to go to my office to pray. I had the feeling like today wouldn't start soon enough.
I saw a video on Facebook after the kids went out the door for school and it was about fostering to adopt. It made me cry. I shared it.
Then, I went upstairs to my office. Pulled out my Bible and started my Proverbs study for today. I looked at my prayer list and felt bad I didn't pray over it yesterday.
Then God interrupted my life!
I received this message on my phone. Clearly he had interrupted someone else's life too.
So, I just saw 2 posts on your Facebook page and it confirmed God wants me to tell you something. I've been up since 5:30, my eyes popped open and I've been struggling ever since and then I see another post from you. What if I told you that coming home to your boys was only part of your purpose with AdvoCare? What if I told you God has said loud and clear you need a baby girl?? I feel the urge to vomit because the is so strong I can't deny it and I can't speak to you because I will sob. You are meant to have a daughter. You are the best mother to your boys and such a nurturer that I know God needs you to take care of His fragile and weak. I know this because my dream was so strong last night, I know I was there. I was there in your kitchen as you sobbed with doubts and fears and the unknown and your door bell rang. It's so weird Aimee but it was God and He hand delivered me your baby girl. I can hear you cry out to Him with every post. You were meant to have a baby girl. Look into it. God will lead the way. I love you to the moon and back! You are a constant encourager to me and such an inspiration to so many. If this is crazy to you then ignore it....I just needed to tell you. ;)
I read this and found myself on my knees curled up sobbing into my night gown. Like a messy dripping, someone grab a towel for these tears sobbing.
Thank you God for the obedience of others.
This girl does NOT know the story. She does NOT know what has been on my heart.
God recently put her closer to me. I thought to encourage her. Clearly that was only a small part. He knew He could use her to send me a message.
I talked to her a little later. She said she was so scared to send me that message. She typed it and walked away from it so many times. She said, "I had an open argument over it with God in the shower. God had just put you back in my life and I didn't want you to think I was crazy and run from me."
Every fear that I carry about this chapter of our lives has been wiped away. How my family will react...doesn't matter. How my boys will handle it...doesn't matter. Not because I don't love them or think it should matter, but because what God needs us to do matters just as much. So, now I know I can completely trust Him with my families hearts. Complete trust in God's plan for us is what is happening to my heart now.
I laid in bed a few nights ago and said to my husband...
"All I ever wanted in life was to be a momma. I can't imagine that God is done with that part of me yet."
I've known since having Jake that my next child would not come from my husband and myself but would be a girl that God needs us to raise up as His child. I have known since my oldest was very small that my children are not my own. They are His, they are His souls to care for. I am just their caretaker.
Pray with me please.
I told my husband...for a baby to come into our lives means that baby is going through something. If someone took our children and did harm to them, it would kill us. We'd never forgive ourselves for letting it happen. That's the feeling I have at this very moment. That our daughter is out there and it is not good for her. Please, please pray. I have prayed for her the last 9 months. I started praying 9 months ago for the mother. I prayed because I knew she was making decisions then that would ultimately change the fate of the baby she had.
“Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me," Matt 18:5