Do you ever have flashes of your childhood that made you feel less than, a failure, a screwup or worthless? I'm pretty sure we have all felt these things to some degree. It's simply a strategy the devil uses and he loves to use it on my self confidence. See this picture below? Satan took full advantage just moments after this picture was taken.
Growing up I never have negative thoughts about my physical self. I was a healthy girl growing up. I was strong and fast. I would run like a deer through the forest behind my house and climb trees with ease. My negative self talk about myself didn't start until I was an adult.
However, self doubt about my worth seems to be a touch point for me. I grew up living next door to my Papaw's dairy farm. My cousin was my best friend and I was only invited to one slumber party in elementary school. Then I was uninvited because she could only invite a few. I went anyway since it seemed I was the only one who had been uninvited and I didn't have the guts to tell my Mom I couldn't go. She packed my bags, took me there and I held my head high.
So, you can imagine that the negative feelings of not being included are just part of me. Being invited to special events however, should mean the world and in some cases they do but in others they feel empty. Especially now with social media invites. I'd rather not go than be the one some one only invited because my name pops up first on most lists. Not many girls can beat 'Aimee' alphabetically. Right?
If I'm "not really wanted" there then I'll make myself useful so maybe I'll at least be appreciated. So lending ahand wherever I can is what I do best at during a party. Tell me where the napkins are and I'll arrange them beautifully. Show me dishes to wash and I'll not leave the sink until they are done. What ever I can do at a social function to help makes me feel included.
The night I snapped this picture I had been in choir practice. I joined hoping that maybe I could actually sing and it's not just an illusion on my part. I also wanted to feel like I was a part of something in our church. Plus I love it. I had our baby girl with me for the last 30 mins of practice and she needed a diaper change. The room you see her sitting in is a beautiful mother/baby room.
I walked into the room and smiled. It was even more beautiful that it was months earlier when I would sit in there with the baby. I was changing her diaper and in awe of the new white rug. I was impressed with all the drawers that were neatly labeled and held diapers of all sizes. The diaper genie was new and clean. I was just in awe. I sat the baby on the soft rug and washed my hands. Then walked over and snapped a picture of her playing. That's when the unthinkable happened. It was like a scene out of a movie.
I carefully packed everything back in my bag but somehow my stainless insulated mug with tea and fallen over and was filling my bag with tea. I picked it up and turned around. When I did, tea flew across the entire room. Across the beautiful white rug, all down the new diaper genie, splattered on the clean hard wood floors and I gasped!
I didn't know where to start, clean the rug or stop the tea from spilling further. I sat the bag in the floor away from the rug and started cleaning it out. The choir book, baby's diaper bag, my phone, my keys, everything eas getting wet. I didn't even think I had that much tea to begin with.
I started blotting the rug...I started to panic. It wasn't working. The sticky stained mess was spreading. It was like I was part of a trauma team in a hospital.
As I was cleaning the hardwood I swear I heard a...
This is just typical Aimee to be so irresponsible and careless as to RUIN someone's hard work. I almost cried.
There was was that sinking feeling. That one that indicated to me that I had messed up, there's evidence everywhere and I was worthless. As I sat on my knees alone in the floor I used baby wipes to clean what was left. Tossed it all in the trash and looked around. The devil was doing a real number on me. I didn't belong there. I didn't deserve to even step foot into that beautiful room again.
On the way home I was listening to Beth Moore and heard her say "He will use this for YOUR GOOD!" She said it over and over. Why is it I believe in Him so much but don't believe He will make all of my mess GOOD. Romans 8:28 is a reoccurring theme lately. Do I believe it's for me? I believe it for everyone else.
So my little episode that looked like I should have been on film as a funny joke for others was going to be used for GOOD.
Those feelings are feelings and feelings aren't truth. God's WORD is truth.
The problem with the world now is they we rush around feeling everything instead of standing on God's Truth.
From now on I will say "get behind me Satan" and tell myself it's all for my own good. I recommend you do the same.