Repeatedly, this morning (and in the past months), I have read in my Bible about my "voice". I found that there is a great deal in Proverbs 1 & 2 especially. When I first started reading these scriptures, I started highlighting every time I read the word "voice". Example, Psalm 3:4
I cried to the Lord with my voice, and He heard me from His holy hill.
The Book of Psalm is full of words like these; Psalm 4:1 is another favorite.
Here me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have relieved me in my distress; Have mercy on me, and hear my prayer.
Next to that verse I wrote: VOICE IT!
Pray with me...
Lord, you are keenly aware of any hopes that have been deferred in my life. Help me to put my hopes in You for You will fulfill my longings.
So, much as been on my heart for months. I constantly struggle to find the right balance between planning and designing the life I want and depending on Him to plan and design the life He wants me to have. Does anyone else struggle with this too? I am praying that He and I come to an agreement and that really means that I am in His Will.
I run my own direct sales business and I love it! I love it because it made such a radical impact in my life. It allowed me to leave a teaching career that was "not what I signed up for." It allowed me to come home to my 3 children and take care of their needs. I was able to do a great deal while working but there were times I knew I should have been there for my kids and the regret scorched my heart and sometimes broke my spirit. After I went back to work I kept saying, "all I ever wanted in life was to be a momma." I know many people want to be momma's but they LOVE being teachers, doctors, dental hygienists, case managers, etc.... Not me, I only really ever wanted to be a momma. I prayed when I was a little girl that God allow me to be here on earth long enough to experiences motherhood and He listened. Being a momma is my "job".
Sometimes, my prayers have felt like they are just words spoken too. Like they were meant for my ears to hear more than my Lord Father to hear. Why is that? It wasn't until I realized how very close He was, that He delights in leaning close to me that I started speaking to Him. My Lord Jesus, petitions for me so that I can walk and talk knowing that He is near. So, in January I started a list. I listed all the people I wanted God to bless. I listed all the circumstances I could so that I could be specific in prayer and boy have I seen Him work since being intentional. As many who read my blog know, one specific prayer that He answered was our questions about adoption.
He led us straight into Foster Care. We never dreamed that would be what His intentions for us. After writing about how clear He was in giving us direction, it seemed that many other things took a back seat for a bit. Including the business that brought me home. All the while I pray He strengths it. Sure, we still move about out daily lives but it seems like everyday is a full of tiny little steps and thoughts towards bringing our baby home. We've had support from friends and family and we've had people who literally shut us out; which I will never understand that kind of selfishness.
The journey since January 20th has been longer than I expected. Our IMPACT training classes started on February 7th and ended in March. We were hoping they'd have been completed in February. We have spent the better part of March getting all our paper work filled out: back ground checks, doctors forms, drug testing, appointments, phone calls, pet vaccinations...
Now, it's April and this has been the slowest of them all. They are assigning us case workers for our home study and I have 1 more class on the 25th to complete for CPR, First Aid, Safety, and Discipline, etc. I am having to miss a major business event this day and I PRAY that everyone understands the circumstances. There will be more chances to travel for work but only one day to get this done and finished.
My husband has lost time at work for doctors visits and testing, we've been working on the nursery, buying locking medicine cabinets, and making sure household chemicals are secure. I have been buying clothes and cleaning out closets. I have been reading and talking to people to help us be more prepared for what's coming. I'm not naïve as to the horror stories of foster care but that is all out weighed by my faith and trust in the Father.
The one thing I can say that has been my battlefield, where I feel attacked, is spiritually. The devil has been all over me and my marriage. Things happen, fights happen and then... you open your eyes and wonder what just happened. It is just like the evil one to attack those who know they are doing something for Kingdom. The worse fight my husband and I ever had in the 22 years we've been together happened in the midst of this journey. Words were said that only Gods grace can cover. The devil's attack was on me as my character and peace were diminished, but good always comes. It changed me. I am so grateful God put the tools in my hands that I needed immediately. He covered me with His hand and let me rest in a place of darkness for a bit while I let Him fight for me. Knowing that I have been protected and ushered back into the Light gives me a new hope. Being sifted in such a way as to bring up to the surface the things that needed to be removed. I prayed for sifting, to have my weaknesses exposed, I just didn't know how it would all happen and I'm glad it did.
While, I feel like this journey is private in some ways I also believe that I should give a "voice" to the experience. My hope is to be real enough that future foster or adoptive parents know what to expect and how to handle the spiritual warfare that goes on in the home. My voice lifts of prayers. My voice is heard by Him. I pray that my voice serves Him within the households of many families who believe in taking care for the innocent. I pray that His voice is sought after always.
Even as I come to a close on this post the devil is telling me to go back and chance my stance...I will not! God is all in this process and He can not be removed.
So many families are on the same journey we are. Their timeline and experiences may be different so I pray for their protection and for their sifting as well. I ask that you pray for our family as well.