This view is not what I had in mind today. I never expected to end up here. Just sitting here alone, waiting for a sunset that technically is hours away because I needed to get away. Away? This isn’t away. It’s down the road.
I just go about my day, serving my family, washing clothes, hanging clothes, folding the clothes, scrubbing dishes, sweeping floors, teaching a little one, building a nonprofit, and more.
More that is unseen.
The signs are there. The angry text message to the teenager who was disrespectful, the poster on the wall that lists all the chores and is punctuated with “I’m not your damn maid!” I’ve had enough.
I’m done. They should have seen this break coming.
I am tired and broken. Where’s my therapist?
Oh... I don’t have one. Probably should look into it though.
No one sees me. No one knows. No one recognizes the fissure in my soul. The crack that is there that seems to grow with every thing left undone for me to do again.
Motherhood. Wifey for Lifey. I’m am things to people. Can I not be for one damn minute.
Why? How is this not like any other? The sacrifice I made for a dream is heavy lately.. God was very clear we were to trust Him.
Lately I have felt like, where is He now? I see Him in places, but not my place. Why did He leave me? Why isn’t He answering. Where did He go? (Fists in the air)
I have grieved for over a year now for a loss. I look back on old posts from a year ago and think, “bless her heart.” It didn’t just happen to me, it happened to all of us. It happened for a dream and a promise and a hope for a future. We sold it all and left. Still, “bless her heart.
That momma from a year ago who was most concerned with keeping things normal for the kids. Nothing normal and nothing to see here. We are just fine.
I think they’re fine.
It’s an adventure. Yes, that’s what it is. I need rest from this adventure. It’s probably actually killing me. (Fists in the air). I need REST!
How many women in this country would be able to do what I’ve done this past year? I don’t know, but everyone, EVERYONE, tells me “I couldn’t do what you’re doing.” Not everyone will have what we will have either. I get it. Stop telling me how you couldn’t do it. Because you know what, you could. You’d have bad days too. Didn’t YOU just have one anyway?
The thing is...
Except today, TODAY, I feel lonely, lost, and used up. My cup hasn’t been filled in a long time. I even go to church and feel separate from the rest. I feel unseen, unheard, and unloved. I know it’s not true. I do, I get it.
Poor me. I asked for this right? To be building a home, ever so slowly, with no end in sight. How many ask me “when do you expect to be in your house?” How many times have I said lately “never, it feels like never.” It’s not poor me.
I am just empty and that space deep down needs filling.
We are blessed mightily.
I am thankful for each blessing.
Today, it’s just about my weary soul.
Bless my heart.
I have nothing inspirational to share. I’m completely rung out and left to dry. Nothing to see here. No entertainment or up lifting. It’s not my place to do that for you, it’s God’s. Seek Him. Don’t come here for that.
Could you pray for me? Maybe a collective prayer for God to speak and move is just what is needed.
I'm Aimee, former Early Childhood Educator and Reading Specialist turned author, speaker, blogger, and mom of 5. This website is meant to inspire & equip parents of little ones to promote early literacy & language development at home. You will also find fun crafts, devotionals, and recipes to explore..
Learn more about me here.