It's 5:30 a.m. and I have had little sleep. I'm not going to complain, just wanted to justify if any part of this post doesn't make any sense. It's a little hard to focus but I think sometimes those are the moments when God's love and plan becomes more in focus.
Tonight I have stayed with my Granny in the hospital. She turned 87 this year. That's a big number. That's a great many of days on this earth. When my baby's were little I would say to them that they had only been on this earth for a little while. My Granny has been here awhile. There are lots of Granny's out in the world. Some are not as fortunate as mine to have family all around.
My Granny and I...We love each other. She had 10 grand children and I was somewhere in the middle. She and my Papaw owned a dairy farm. I grew up a stone's throw away from her house. I could always see the barns, fields, smoke house, cows, hay and their home from my front door. I explored the land all around that my Papaw worked. I ran through the corn fields, stepped in the cow patty's, swam in the ponds, hiked in the woods, picked wild black berry's, and climbed many fences and trees. Much of my childhood was spent playing outside with my brother or alone. We stayed out of the road and in the woods.
One thing I hope I never forget is going to church with them on Sunday. There came a time in my life where I was between driving myself and my parents attending church. So, Papaw and Granny picked me up every Sunday for years. I served in the church as I got older, helping out with the kids and still being involved in the youth. During those years I met my husband and introduced him to Christ. I owe a great deal to my grandparents for my spiritual walk. I didn't always stay on the path. I always loved my Lord but I stopped worship out of high school, I didn't grow spiritually for a long time but I remained His child and loved Him. I didn't know how to stand up for what I believed in but I did make choices based on His Word.
I have a lot of memories as a child, many are faded or gone too. I need reminding sometimes of my own past. Pictures and friends are great for that. The parts I remember most were the ones that were most important to me. Ballet recitals, tap dancing, climbing trees, building forts in the woods, hanging on the monkey bars, playing with my beloved toys and dolls, not a lot of friends to speak of but I was close to my cousin.
Yesterday I knew I'd be up all night with Granny at the hospital, I cleaned house and it was very quite. James had taken the Little's to the lake and I just needed a "moment". I checked off some tasks for the day, bought groceries, washed clothes and the entire time I thought about Granny. Granny wasn't always a Granny. I thought about pictures of her as a little girl standing in line with her classmates outside of their school building. She always complained that she was the biggest girl in class. She was tall and stout and pretty enough to catch my Papaw's eye pretty early. That's a whole other love story to share another time.
I'm sure she was no different than any other girl. She read books, played, worked around the house, and grew up.
I'm not really wanting to get into her story this morning. Although, I think it would be neat to go back and see it all play out again. Basically, we grow up. Whatever is going on in the world, country, city, home, all plays a part in our lives. Each generation probably sits back and thinks, these are "signs of the times" and the "end is near" We try not to dwell on the evil in the world. Instead, we curl our hair, put on lipstick, fall in love, get married, have babies, love our husbands, raise our children, talk to girlfriends, and much of our daily lives are similar to that of women from our past.
We were all little girls once.
Then we become women.
As a mom I imagine all my grandmothers before me who had babies, raised them, had heart breaks, and celebrations. It all seems so fleeting when you think about their lives. When you think about your own there is so much to experience and have experienced. I used to rock my babies and wonder if the women before me felt the way I did. I think if anything the use of technology year after year helps us to find the time to enjoy our babies more. For the majority of moms we aren't washing our clothes by hand, sewing clothes for the family, or making everything from scratch. No, we have some luxuries that make life easier but we still never have time. We fill our time up with things to do. I am finding that turning my thoughts to the past has created a new learning curve. What would the mothers before me tell me to enjoy most, to pay attention too. What is the most important thing in this life?
Not all women grow up wanting to have babies or get married. I get that. It's okay. Our souls callings are each unique and our divine purpose is unique just like us. No two are the same. What I can relate too is what I experience. My entire childhood I wanted nothing more than to have a baby of my own. I even prayed that God let me be around long enough to have a baby. He gave me 3.
Purpose, it has to be simple. I think I try to complicate my purpose in trying to always figure out what it is when it truly is simple. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a child of His. My purpose is in front of me everyday. I don't have to try to find it. There will come a day when my purpose here will be fulfilled and I pray that I did it to the best of my abilities, allowing our Father to be sufficient where I am not. I will love Christ and share His love. I will make mistakes and not always love as I should. Still, my purpose is to enjoy this life, this gift, that He has given me. To see Him in more a more each day, to whisper His name in times of need out of faith. We all have a purpose, it is simple. Each is unique and evolves.
If we will just walk in the light, we will clearly see where we are going. If we will just persevere, we will make it. If we will keep our eyes on Him, he will not let us fall. Others are watching us...even those who haven't been born yet. They will think of us. What will we have them remember? What will we have them think of us?
Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.--Hebrews 12:1