I was so excited to get to got with my son on a field trip today with his class. It was absolutely a joy. When it was over I came home to clean up and wash away the filth from the farm. I couldn't believe the time when and then just now, I was praying..."Oh Lord it's almost time for those boys to get off of the school bus and I'm afraid I will not have time for you today." My prayer immediately was directed back to some study notes I had written just the week prior to today about God and time.
Recently, I went for a run along a creek bank. The trail was stunning and peaceful but as I was running I found I was praying. My desire to feel the presence of good was so strong that I didn't know what to do. Should I just keep running or should I stop. The verse "Be STILL and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10 rushed through my head, I found a quite rock, turned my face to the sun and prayed. I wanted nothing more than to receive His Spirit.
When I was done I was heading back and I knew I need to hurry, I had a mile and a half left and I figured only about 15 minutes left on my run if my judgement was correct. That meant I would probably be late. I looked at the time on my phone and could not believe my eyes. It was as time had stopped. I felt I had sat for an eternity (or a long time) and let the sun shine down on me, warm me over and feel His Spirit wash over me. So, when I realized I had about 30 minutes still, I started running again.
Something happens when I run and spend time in prayer. My thoughts become so directed towards Him that I feel I no longer have my own thoughts. I was still in awe at the time when the thoughts came tumbling forward towards my mind.
Time is in His Hands.
He is the beginning and the end.
My Father was from before time.
God does not operate on our time or schedule.
There is a time for everything.
He has the power to stop it...
to stop time,
to move it forward,
to slow it down...
We concern ourselves much to often with our own time. We do not carpe diem.
I remember those days.
Dried jelly stuck to the kitchen floor under the table.
High chair smeared with last nights dinner.
Smelly bibs stacking up in the laundry.
The diaper pail that is never empty.
I remember those days.
Tiny socks with no mates.
Baby powder all over the dresser.
The child that is sick that needs rocking.
Tiny outfits with tiny accessories.
A camera catching almost every moment.
I remember those days that you are experiencing.
Working a job and juggling car seats.
The way cereal never stays in the bowl.
Pop Tart mornings smeared in the hair.
Sick nights and stained carpets.
Missing appointments and forgetting to cook dinner.
Fights with your spouse over whose turn.
Some days seem to drag on when you're at home with your child. Some days you look up and wonder where yesterday went. You spend time making sure you have the right car seat, stroller, diaper bag. You give up on doing dishes at the end of the day. Ponytails and yoga pants are a daily norm. Unless you're dad and ball caps and sweats are the norm. Working moms are always in a hurry and time ticks faster at home.
I have been a work from home mom, a work away from home mom, and a stay at home mom.
I have missed moments and
I have whisked moments away.
I captured important moments with my lens and
I didn't take time to notice some.
Today I was packing away memories that were brought home from my Grandmothers empty house.
I gazed into the eyes of my children staring back in the photographs and paused.
Suddenly, I was choking.
I was trying so hard to swallow.
Tears streamed down my face, chin, neck, chest...
They splashed on the table cloth, the frames, and caught in the hollow of my neck.
When I was a little girl I prayed.
I believed with all my heart that God would allow me to have babies.
I wanted nothing more in this life than to be a mother.
He blessed me three times.
With three sons.
Their baby toys are mostly gone except for a few I saved.
Only a handful of outfits and blankets they wore and were wrapped in are boxed away.
The tiny beds are gone.
Older pictures are replaced by newer ones and they are off to school.
To the mom or dad with the toddler and the baby and the growing children...
Kiss their faces.
Smell their bellies.
Stroke their ears.
Record their laughs.
Capture the moments.
Save the hand prints.
Fold their tiny clothes slowly.
Say "no" to busy.
Say "yes" to snuggles.
Be okay with messy for awhile.
Yes, they cry.
Yes, they scream.
Yes, they destroy like a hurricane.
Yes, they are precious.
To the mom or dad with the children...
They are growing into themselves.
Speak life into them.
Tell them they have purpose.
Show them the little things are important.
They feel little...they are important.
Listen to their words.
Feel their breath in whispers.
Watch their eyelashes flutter in sleep.
Rescue their "lovies".
Kiss their wounds.
Let them cry it out sometimes.
Be thankful for their trails of dirt.
Yes, they are sleepless.
Yes, they are hungry.
Yes, they love you.
I was that mom who needed someone to show her the beauty from time to time.
I was that mom who didn't want to see there was beauty from time to time.
I was that mom that stayed busy
I am that mom who misses their smallness.
I miss their innocence.
My husband almost missed it all.
So, pick them up and dance.
The moments don't last, they don't stick around.
Time ticks on and we grow older.
They do too.
Here are a few (or many) scriptures I love for my tired self...I hope they lift you as well.
Matthew 11:28-29 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
Psalm 62:1 “Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him.”
Psalm 4:8 “In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.”
Psalm 127:1-2 “Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat— for he grants sleep to those he loves.”
2 Thessalonians 3:13 “And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is good.”
Romans 12:11 “Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.”
Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”
I Kings 8:56 “Praise be to the Lord, who has given rest to his people Israel just as he promised. Not one word has failed of all the good promises he gave through his servant Moses.”
Jeremiah 31:25 “I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.”
Hebrews 12:12-13 “Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.”
Isaiah 40:29 “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.”
Psalm 68:35 “You, God, are awesome in your sanctuary; the God of Israel gives power and strength to his people. Praise be to God!”
Romans 8:26-28 “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.”
Colossians 1:29 “To this end I strenuously contend with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me.”
Psalm 73:26 “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
Galatians 6:9 “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”
Hebrews 4:16 “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
Psalm 119:114 “You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word.”
Philemon 1:20 “I do wish, brother, that I may have some benefit from you in the Lord; refresh my heart in Christ.”
Psalm 18:31-32 “For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure.”
Psalm 62:5 “Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.”
Proverbs 3:24 “When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.”
Exodus 33:14 “The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”
Psalm 46:10 “He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
Philippians 4:13 “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
I love fall!
I think my favorite part of fall is that I get to wear boots, leggings, scarves, hats, and cardigans.
I do love the pretty colors in the trees and how everything seems to start to settle down in nature.
My wardrobe over the years as become one of many layers.
I wear my cotton T-Shirts year round under layers of sweaters or cardigans.
I wear my shorter knit skirts and dresses with leggings.
I love fall! I love this season of the year best of all!
My times are in Your hand... Psalms 31:15
Season. The word season from the Latin world serere - to sow, and satio - sowing. With a later derivative in Old French seson
Sowing, to sow, season.
A season of sowing. As I looked more deeply into this "season" of life and the meaning, I ran across the origin of the word and that put pause on my writing. Pause long enough to let the imagery of sowing seep into and blend in my mind with my understanding of season.
As I pictured each season with its heat, warmth, coolness, cold; I also pictured sowing. Do the ones who tend gardens year round sow seeds year round? Yes, they do. They sow spring seeds, summer seeds for summer and fall harvests. They sow fall and winter seeds for winter and spring harvests. Always with the intention to harvest.
To sow, to scatter seeds among the earth with the intention of a harvest. To secure a future for a harvest the seeds must be scattered and buried in the earth at the the right time, in the right place, in darkness.
Read Matthew 13:3-8
During this time in my life the season is changing and so are the seeds.
About a week ago I had some girl friends over to my house for a Bible study that we started and there was such a diversity among us. The seasons in life of each girl was how we were most diverse.
My Titus women friends whose kids are grown and now they are raising grand babies or the one who has lost a child and has an ailing husband. My new mommy friends with their toddlers or are pregnant now. There's also the friends that are in the same season of life that I am.
So I started noticing and one day it hit me...
right about the time I went to my yearly doctor visit...
I'm no longer in the season I used to be in.
The breastfeeding book lay on the doctors counter. Pregnant women in the waiting room. Questions about my intentions of growing a family.
I suddenly started feeling as if a door was closing on a part of my life, as if it was not a part I could walk through again.
I thought about my 20's, going to college, getting married, having my family.
My 30's are going to be coming to a close soon and I've been raising my kids.
Back to college.
Back to work
Dealing with middle school stuff of one of my children.
Learning to lean into God and press into my husband too.
Taking care of my health and putting some focus on me.
So much has changed since my twenties. I fight it sometimes.
I still want to adopt a girl into our family.
I still think I'm 26 apparently as I wrote it on a doctors form.
I am now at a time in my life that I'm sure many women or moms do come too.
That door is shutting.
That season is changing.
Sure I've kept some of their baby toys in the attic, outfits that were precious to me but I'm letting go.
I'm no longer holding on.
When did the letting go happen?
This morning as our kids were pulling on jackets and grabbing up backpacks they were happily bouncing off to wait for the bus.
I stood across the kitchen from my husband and smiled.
My boyfriend, my high school sweetheart, my lover, my friend...
I asked "Can you believe we made those guys?"
I'm in awe all of the sudden, in a whole new way, by the miracles before me.
The love of my life smiled, stepped across the room and took me in his arms.
It's a miracle how two makes one. How two become one.
I'm approaching a new season, not quite letting go of the old one yet.
I'm still harvesting from the last season but it's time to sow new seeds for the future.
To clean out the mess of a life's garden to make room for new growth.
To prepare for the new season, the next harvest, a future.
In their shell of darkness, each "seed", each moment and decision, I plant for the future has a life waiting, ready to grow. Ready for it's time to emerge and itself produce.
The new season of me in this life is leading to something beautiful, I can feel it.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven Ecc 3:1
I am not sufficient.
I look at the perfectly blue, cloudless sky and feel so small.
I'm looking up with tears on my face, looking for an answer.
I am not sufficient.
I have sat at my desk today balancing budgets, paying bills, telling my money were to go and frustrated. There is a number on my sheet that I wish wasn't there. There is a number that will move from my budget to my check register and I wish I didn't have to have it. I know many, many parents who feel the same way.
Our children are our responsibility and years ago before my middle son was conceived I prayed for another baby. I wanted a big family and we tried for years to have number 2. One night I laid prostrate out on the bed, not in tears for a new baby but in tears of worry.
That night I gave my first son back to God and saying "I am not sufficient but You are. Watch over my son when I can not, he is Yours not mine. I am just his caretaker while he needs me to be." A month later we were in awe to find that I was pregnant with our second baby. That is not a coincidence. I believe these two events in my life are connected by an eternal Father who was waiting on me to give back to Him and trust Him fully.
This baby boy was born and all circumstances surrounding his birth can be traced back to complete miracles. Nothing was left out of the miracle touch, not his name, not the date, not the year, second, or even the room number he was born in. Everything about this child was a miracle.
Around 2 years old he was still not talking and and participated in at home speech therapy. By age 3 he was riding a little school bus to speech therapy locally and by 5 he was starting Pre-K and had graduated out of speech. Then 1st grade...struggles started and in 2nd grade we found out he was legally blind in one eye and now in 3rd grade his attention and focus are so bad that I'm hurting for him.
So much makes sense now and my intuition always directed me towards a processing disorder... in 3rd grade it was revealed through testing that he indeed had a processing disorder...but which one?
Auditory Processing Disorder
It felt good to finally put a name with what it might be but we need an official diagnosis.
In the meantime...I am not sufficient.
So sitting in my figures of bills and expenses is this number that is looming...it's the price for a prescription. It breaks my heart. I know it will help him focus. He's had it before.
God will provide an answer but in the meantime...
Homework is a struggle.
School work is incomplete.
He doesn't understand directions.
Focus is nonexistent at school
I get calls from the school.
Emails go back and forth from me to the teacher
Meetings are scheduled
Phone calls to doctors for help.
Trips back to doctors offices.
Compared to others who I know are grieving for their children's health this is not a big deal.
But comparison is not an option.
Comparison is inevitable.
Compassion is next.
"And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them." Mark 10:16
The little children and Jesus have a special bond.
My son does not worry unless we worry him. He walks blindly through his struggles, knowing they are there but trusting it will all be okay.
That each day will continue to turn over into the next.
That he will still be a child.
He comes home to a safe place were this problem is not seen.
That sweet boy plays with his toys in full concentration, building and exploring, creating and experimenting. It's only when we enter his world and bring our expectations that he is different.
I stand in awe when I am near him. He is a genius in his own mind. His world makes perfect sense to him.
Ours does not.
He can't understand our expectations and is frustrated when he can't meet them.
We work quietly together.
I start the laundry, put everyone else in the bed, and we work.
We work close together to make sure he is understanding.
A piece at a time, a little at a time he understands and remembers or gets it as new.
When he gets it, he gets it in his own way.
“But she came and worshiped him, saying, Lord, help me” Mark 15:25
I am at His complete mercy when it comes to my children.
I was given these sweet souls to raise up.
He gives and He takes away.
Two words: "Help me."
Many times lately before entering a conversation or situation I find that these two little words precede the moment. I know I am not sufficient that I will not say or do the right thing without His guidance.
"Help me, O Lord, my God..." Psalms 109:26
Everything inside of me is trusting God through this.
My sons plight will not define him.
God's love and grace and mercy will.
I am not sufficient.
Thank you, Lord.
I choke all the time.
I choke on my words.
I catch myself trying to say something out loud and shake my head and the words don't come.
Give me a pen and a piece of paper and I can "speak".
It wasn't much to long ago, about a year, that I began praying about my words. They never seem to come out right. Someone asks me a question and a choke. I try to explain something and I choke. I can not for the life of me figure out why it's so hard to speak out loud.
I don't have any problem talking to my kids or husband but still, sometimes, things don't come out right.
I feel like the less I say, the better off I am. My words seem to twist in the air as the come out and by the time they reach someones ears that don't seem right. I don't know what is happening or why or if I just noticed and it's always been this way.
If I'm going to speak it needs to be well thought out and planned. Words don't seem to work for me if it's not been thought about, pondered over, or regurgitated before. If that's the case, they come out beautifully.
I have found that I am in much more deep thought lately about my purpose and life.
We all have a purpose...that means I have a purpose, my husband has a purpose, my kids have a purpose and not one single part of me believes our purpose is just to exist but that we have a job to do.
Lately, I have been struggling with what job that is for myself. Maybe it's because my kids are growing up and they need me in different ways and maybe a little less than the previous year. Maybe it's because I have noticed a shift in those people who I call friends over the years. Maybe it is because what I thought was my purpose turned out to be someone else's but definitely not mine.
If there is one thing that has been a secret passion of mine, it is that from time to time I find a connection that pricks my heart strings and resonates through my soul. That connection is usually in something I read. What that means is that an author, somewhere at sometime in this world was writing and had something on the heart. They put it down and out for the world and let a piece of themselves float around from person to person in hopes that it pricks their hearts and eventually someone like myself discovers that piece and a connection is made.
I believe that an author and a reader have a special connection but two things need to happen for the connection to ever exist...the author has to write
& the reader has to read.
While waiting for the Lord, write. Be strong and take heart, and keep writing for the Lord. — Psalm 27:14
I'm learning and as I learn new things something inside me swells and I want to share what I discover but I don't know how and then I question, is it worth sharing, and then as time passes, I feel it must not be important for someone else, and eventually it is forgotten.
Oh that my words were written with an iron pen on a granite tablet so my story could be read forever. — Job 19:23–24
OH, is that it! Is it my responsibility to sit and write? Is it my responsibility to share? Do I have anything inside me that the world wants to hear? As I sit here in a corner home office with the sunset streaming through the window as my only light source I am typing on a screen. It is peaceful in my house, the kids are helping themselves to dinner prepared. I wonder, is this my happy place? Is this were God intends for me to express my words. Not from my mouth but through my finger tips. Am I to take what I have written in journals and studied in books and move them to a place were others can read...where others can connect.
God’s word is a lamp that lights my writing journey. — Psalm 119:105
Then I ask...me? Really, me? Who am I?
Just like you, I was created.
I am loved.
I am thought of.
I am cherished.
The great I AM resides within me, provides for me, loves me, thinks of me, cherishes me, and He inspires me.
So, I will write what is in me. Not for anyone in particular, just because it's in me. It's there. It's brimming and ready to pour out but if I don't pour it out, God will not continue to fill. I have to be willing to pour out what He is pouring in and willing to let it flow beyond the brimming. I asked Him years ago to let me be a vessel, an empty basin that is hollow and void to be filled and used until I was brimming over.
I write honestly from my heart, seeking to make the truth known. — Job 33:3
If God is our helper when we write, the stories we build cannot be in vain. — Psalm 127:1
When I ponder what to write about, I remember the plights of my past and why I now give you praise. Then I reveal your glory by showing how you've worked in my life. — Psalm 143:5
"What will a life magnify? The world's stress cracks, the grubbiness of the day, all that is wholly wrong and terribly busted? Or God" Ann Voskamp
About 3 or 4 weeks ago I took my son to the chiropractor after he took a spill down our steps and was complaining of his hurting tailbone. While I was there I tried to strike a conversation with a lady next to me who was holding a beautiful book. Because it had bird eggs on the cover I immediately was interested in knowing more. She introduced me to the book and I immediately whipped out my Kindle and downloaded a sample of it to remember it for later. The day before my Grandmother passed away I began reading my sample and ended up downloading it and a few others that had been on my list. As I began reading it, I realized it was going to be a special journey just for me.
My first clue was that I found my name, Aimee, in the first chapter. Intriguing. Then as I read I realized that this book had been introduced to me on purpose. Not by the beautiful young lady in the chair that day but by the One who knew I'd need it.
Within a few days of my grandmother passing away I found myself making time to read more and more. How she described the feeling of losing a loved one was exactly how I was feeling. It gave me permission to feel that way and at times, gave me hope that the book held the key. More and more I was convinced that our Lord Father wanted to make sure that the message this book held was placed in my hands. That thought alone was overwhelming.
So I read and you should too, One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp. As I read I started paying attention and as a result I am learning to be thankful in everything...even a spent bowl of cereal is beautiful to me know. So many blessings unfold when I am giving continual thanks. Simple gratitude.
If you would like to join me in recording my blessings and gifts I am doing so through my IG account http://instagram.com/homespun_mom and if you'd like to folllow me I'd like to follow you and see the blessings and gifts you encounter. If you don't have an IG account, they are worth having. Be sure to use the hashtag #1000gifts
Good grief! It's a phrase that I have heard used and used myself many, many times. It's almost never used in a positive way. Actually, I think this will be the first time I use it for good.
Grief by itself is very lonely and painful. It's empty and dark. There is no happiness there but...but, if you pair the word "grief" with "good" it can mean something so tender and precious it will steal your heart and knit together the open wound or tear in your life that has been caused by absence or loss that created that void to begin with.
Out of frustration we may throw our hands on our hips and call out "good grief" when the kids make a mess, the husband makes a mess, the dog makes a mess....you know where I'm going. "Good grief!" There IS another kind of grief. The good kind.
On Sunday morning I woke up when my husbands phone rang. It was early in the morning, not even daylight. I knew by the conversation that it had happened. That one of my dearest loved ones, one of my sweetest friends, one of my babies cherished love, had gone to be home with our Lord Father. In the dark hours of the morning my grandmother rested so completely that her sweet soul and mighty spirit were lifted away into the arms of the One who loves her most. I knew by the conversation I was hearing that my day was going to be much different than I had planned. I knew right then that grief was starting to lay over me like a heavy blanket. I didn't open my eyes, I just listened.
I knew before the phone rang something in my life would be different. Just before the phone rang I had been dreaming I was at my grandmothers house just next door and every one was there except her. The doors were wide open the window blinds had been rolled up, and everyone was moving about as I stood in the kitchen watching and feeling something empty. Her things were being divided up and the things I wanted most were being carted off but I didn't care. I just stood there listening to conversations and discussions, wishing with all my heart I was not a witness to this part of life.
It was a dream.
My grandmother had fulfilled every purpose God had for her and He called her home, ushered there by her angel. Good grief it hurts. Good grief there's so much pain. Good grief I miss her.
Yes good! Goodness! We were surrounded by so much grace and love that how could we not feel anything but good. We were loved on, hugged on, kissed on, and loved on some more. Good was all we could feel at times. We would stop...and think...and remember...and good was no longer a good word for how we felt. We all felt it.
So tonight as I was praying and leaning into God, pressing into Him, pouring out my heart, He leaned down and listened. My Jesus took me in His arms and said to me, it's okay. Grief is part of the healing, it's good. Grief is meant to be felt immediately. The pain is relentless in being noticed right away. So the grief stings, it bites, it wallows around, it plays hide and seek when you least want to, it speeds you up and stops you in your tracks. I'm also convinced it sits on your chest so you can't breathe...but when the tears come and you let go of the grief and let the tears flow, something happens. Release! We give that grief permission to be there but we take control tear by tear.
So as I remember why I'm grieving I learn to love the grief. The grief is good. It means I loved and was loved. It means that the tear in my life's canvas and emptiness can be knitted together. It means I must press into my Father God. It means I get to comfort my babies too. It is not all bad. It is good.
Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Missing you with all my heart my sweet Granny.
I remember a time not to long ago when I had just had my third baby and a friend knocked on my door. When I opened it I was completely surprised! She said "I heard you had a baby." I hadn't seen or talked to her the entire pregnancy and that was before Facebook and gender reveal parties. It was my 3rd boy so I didn't have a shower to invite anyone too. Actually, number 3 caught me by surprise. It was that knock on the door that changed my life.
I realized then that I had become a "recluse" of sorts. I had a new born baby and I wasn't going anywhere. We had just recently stopped going to our church for the same reason that many people do. She was coming to find out if I had any maternity clothes she could borrow and I sold her three tubs worth for nearly nothing because I was DONE. She invited us to church and we went and it was exactly what I needed.
Fast forward to this morning. A great many things has happened in the last 6 years. I have gotten a degree, started a blog, went back to work, came home from work, lost weight, made friends and more friends. This morning I was in awe of what God has done in my life. I'm a stay at home mom again with other stay at home moms who are coming home to their babies or simply contributing to their families. I'm more involved at church and I feel free.
There is this little part of me that still wants to hide in my corner and watch the world go by. I just can't do that, I have to get up and fight despite my fears. Everyday is a new day and some days are easy. Some are hard.
Just look at what I've got. I want to see more pictures like this. More pictures of friends who have made a REAL connection here on earth. Who love each other and appreciate what we all try to accomplish each and every day.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
I love my girls!
You see dirty socks, I see a story. Today is laundry day for my husbands dirty clothes. He doesn't have much to wash each week but every week I go out to the garage and pull this basket off the shelf. It's full of dirty, grass covered socks. The socks serve a purpose and are essential when lawn care is part of your mission to "debt freedom". His dirty socks each week are a reminder to me that I have a hard working husband who will do whatever it takes to provide for his family and more.
We began living a different life with a different mindset less than 2 years ago. People don't understand it and that's okay. We cut up credit cards and began paying off debt from the highest interest rates and lowest payments first. We snowball debt. We've gotten laser focused, made mistakes along the way, but we are trying. As of result we've paid off nearly $30k in debt and still working at it. Consumer debt gets out of hand when you are borrowing Peter to pay Paul and wanting more "things" than you truly deserve to have or earned...or saved for.
However, every single time I go to the garage and pick up this basket of socks I want to cry. My husband LOVES mowing yards, he would tell you that he always has. He would tell you if he could he would do it all year and never work for anyone but himself. Then Monday came and he was home with us all day...and wished he didn't have to get on his mower or go to work the next day. See, what it boils down to is that truly he would not do this if he didn't have too. He would spend his evenings with our kids and with me. He would not be running all over creation mowing yards and coming in dead tired every night. I love a hard working man and he is one.
He just came in from work and said..."Okay, I gotta go to work." I said...."We are going to see Granny." His response sadly was..."I should probably go see her too but I've gotta work." He's making a quick sandwich and heading back out in the heat with clean white socks. I found a way to bring myself home from my job because my kids needed me and I was missing everything working 50 plus hours a week. My means, it will bring him home too. He might tell you he'd never stop working but I'd like to think he could have more options. Our "time debt" is stealing our life away minute by minute. My purpose in life is greater than debt of any kind. I love teaching and education and I believe God will use my background in some significant way in the future, maybe sooner rather than later, maybe not. I love teaching but my purpose is bigger and I needed a means bigger to get me there If what I have found wasn't meant for us, it wouldn't have worked for us, AND is why I believe it has worked for many others. Still, it is providing more than we imagined already in less than 2 years, and we've only just begun. It's just a means to an end...a vehicle to allow us to live more purposefully. Our purpose, fulfilled, is going to be amazing to watch unfold.
Until that day, we are marching arm in arm to debt freedom and some day I won't have to keep a basket in the garage for his dirty socks.
The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is slave to the lender. Proverbs 22:77
And so, we work.
We look after each other.
We take care of our own.
We talk to the creditors.
We make payments.
We don't worry.
Today I was going about my business (literally working) and while talking on the phone I received a text. When I finished my call and I went to read it. Just the first little bit startled me. Then my phone rang, it was my friend who had sent the text and I answered.
As my friend told me about a series of events and how the played out over the weekend, my heart broke for her with each turn of the story. At the end, ultimately, she was safe and sound at home and talking to me. It felt like I was a million miles away from her because I could not reach through the phone and hug her. She has been my best friend for so long and is that friend that you can not hear from for months and be okay because when you talk again it's like you never missed a beat. She is that kind of friend to me.
I love her. I hurt for her when she hurts and I cry for her when she does. I rejoice with her when times are good and happy and joyful. Circumstances and distance do not mean a thing when you love someone so much because you make a way You are okay that you are apart but can't get enough hugs and conversation when you get to see each other.
Today the story that played out was devastating and something that no woman should have to endure short of losing a child. Every woman's body belongs to her and it is her to give to her husbands and to God out of pleasure and worship and never for anyone else except to give birth to another soul. Our bodies are a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1) and were made for a purpose (Jeremiah 1:5).
All weekend I read and studied on how it's always that one thing, that one experience that puts the spirit of fear in us but that is not of God (see previous post). God put a Spirit of strength, love and sound-mind in us. He gave us women a power that men will never possess. He set us apart and made us special, worthy, necessary, precious, and to be cherished. It is not God that lowers His expectations for us, it us that lowers our expectations for us. Circumstances and feelings we have are the factors that raise and lower those expectations. Circumstances and feelings can flip them like a switch. God does not waiver, He is steady, and He knows what He is doing.
After my sweet friend poured out her grief and shame and how she felt undeserving all I could do was listen. I literally hit the mute button so that she could just spill everything she could until she had said all she could say. All the while silently praying that God give me the words. It wasn't until later that I realized He already had, I just needed to be the vessel that poured them out on her.
To know God's love is something so special. We should all feel it. I cant feel it for you, or my friends, or my family. We each have to feel it for ourselves. That love causes me to lift my hands in the air with praise as if I'm reaching to the heavens for Him to pick me up as a small child. Like a Big Daddy who can pick His baby girl up and give her a whole new view, a completely different perspective. Remember...
Did you ever have someone pick you up when you were little. Didn't it seem so different up higher where you could see. I remember being picked up so many times, I remember riding on my Dad's shoulders and holding on. I remember how my heart pounded with all the new perspective and how exciting it was. That is exactly the feeling I get when I ask my Lord Father to pick me up. He lifts me up, gives me a new perspective and sets me back down with a whole new posture.
I want my sweet friend to know that love and I hope she felt it today. Even through scripture, prayer and words of love I could hear her voice shake with uncertainty. I think to myself; it's okay baby girl, you can take that first step again. Our Father is holding your hand. Be certain in your steps, He will guide and light the way and when you need Him to pick you up, raise your arms and praise Him for what He is about to do because He is about to give you a whole new perspective, His perspective, a view you couldn't see before.
Our body is a living sacrifice to be kept holy for Him and how dare anyone defile His beautiful works. He will seek justice for you, He will have mercy on those who want to be forgiven, and we all can walk humbly with Him, like a child.
It's 5:30 a.m. and I have had little sleep. I'm not going to complain, just wanted to justify if any part of this post doesn't make any sense. It's a little hard to focus but I think sometimes those are the moments when God's love and plan becomes more in focus.
Tonight I have stayed with my Granny in the hospital. She turned 87 this year. That's a big number. That's a great many of days on this earth. When my baby's were little I would say to them that they had only been on this earth for a little while. My Granny has been here awhile. There are lots of Granny's out in the world. Some are not as fortunate as mine to have family all around.
My Granny and I...We love each other. She had 10 grand children and I was somewhere in the middle. She and my Papaw owned a dairy farm. I grew up a stone's throw away from her house. I could always see the barns, fields, smoke house, cows, hay and their home from my front door. I explored the land all around that my Papaw worked. I ran through the corn fields, stepped in the cow patty's, swam in the ponds, hiked in the woods, picked wild black berry's, and climbed many fences and trees. Much of my childhood was spent playing outside with my brother or alone. We stayed out of the road and in the woods.
One thing I hope I never forget is going to church with them on Sunday. There came a time in my life where I was between driving myself and my parents attending church. So, Papaw and Granny picked me up every Sunday for years. I served in the church as I got older, helping out with the kids and still being involved in the youth. During those years I met my husband and introduced him to Christ. I owe a great deal to my grandparents for my spiritual walk. I didn't always stay on the path. I always loved my Lord but I stopped worship out of high school, I didn't grow spiritually for a long time but I remained His child and loved Him. I didn't know how to stand up for what I believed in but I did make choices based on His Word.
I have a lot of memories as a child, many are faded or gone too. I need reminding sometimes of my own past. Pictures and friends are great for that. The parts I remember most were the ones that were most important to me. Ballet recitals, tap dancing, climbing trees, building forts in the woods, hanging on the monkey bars, playing with my beloved toys and dolls, not a lot of friends to speak of but I was close to my cousin.
Yesterday I knew I'd be up all night with Granny at the hospital, I cleaned house and it was very quite. James had taken the Little's to the lake and I just needed a "moment". I checked off some tasks for the day, bought groceries, washed clothes and the entire time I thought about Granny. Granny wasn't always a Granny. I thought about pictures of her as a little girl standing in line with her classmates outside of their school building. She always complained that she was the biggest girl in class. She was tall and stout and pretty enough to catch my Papaw's eye pretty early. That's a whole other love story to share another time.
I'm sure she was no different than any other girl. She read books, played, worked around the house, and grew up.
I'm not really wanting to get into her story this morning. Although, I think it would be neat to go back and see it all play out again. Basically, we grow up. Whatever is going on in the world, country, city, home, all plays a part in our lives. Each generation probably sits back and thinks, these are "signs of the times" and the "end is near" We try not to dwell on the evil in the world. Instead, we curl our hair, put on lipstick, fall in love, get married, have babies, love our husbands, raise our children, talk to girlfriends, and much of our daily lives are similar to that of women from our past.
We were all little girls once.
Then we become women.
As a mom I imagine all my grandmothers before me who had babies, raised them, had heart breaks, and celebrations. It all seems so fleeting when you think about their lives. When you think about your own there is so much to experience and have experienced. I used to rock my babies and wonder if the women before me felt the way I did. I think if anything the use of technology year after year helps us to find the time to enjoy our babies more. For the majority of moms we aren't washing our clothes by hand, sewing clothes for the family, or making everything from scratch. No, we have some luxuries that make life easier but we still never have time. We fill our time up with things to do. I am finding that turning my thoughts to the past has created a new learning curve. What would the mothers before me tell me to enjoy most, to pay attention too. What is the most important thing in this life?
Not all women grow up wanting to have babies or get married. I get that. It's okay. Our souls callings are each unique and our divine purpose is unique just like us. No two are the same. What I can relate too is what I experience. My entire childhood I wanted nothing more than to have a baby of my own. I even prayed that God let me be around long enough to have a baby. He gave me 3.
Purpose, it has to be simple. I think I try to complicate my purpose in trying to always figure out what it is when it truly is simple. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a child of His. My purpose is in front of me everyday. I don't have to try to find it. There will come a day when my purpose here will be fulfilled and I pray that I did it to the best of my abilities, allowing our Father to be sufficient where I am not. I will love Christ and share His love. I will make mistakes and not always love as I should. Still, my purpose is to enjoy this life, this gift, that He has given me. To see Him in more a more each day, to whisper His name in times of need out of faith. We all have a purpose, it is simple. Each is unique and evolves.
If we will just walk in the light, we will clearly see where we are going. If we will just persevere, we will make it. If we will keep our eyes on Him, he will not let us fall. Others are watching us...even those who haven't been born yet. They will think of us. What will we have them remember? What will we have them think of us?
Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.--Hebrews 12:1
Jake, my youngest, had a dentist appointment this morning. He's had a tooth that's been bothering him and I we thought he was going to have it capped. When the dentist looked at it again he decided it should be pulled. They adjusted my bill and handed me the estimate. I can not tell you the defeat that washed over me when I saw the amount due today.
I went back to my chair and stared at the number $555.45 was written large and circled in the top right hand corner. My heart had sunk for my baby boy and I sat and blamed myself. My imagination had him kicking and screaming under the doctors bright light like in the movies. I went to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror trying not to get sick and holding back tears. My head was saying...Bad Mom, Bad Mom, Bad Mom. I went back out to the lobby to wait...and wait...and worry...and wait. I prayed and asked for prayer that God do something about this. I wasn't prepare to spend $555.45 today. That kind of money hurts. I also wasn't prepared for my baby to lose a tooth today either. That hurt too. So, I quietly quoted...
I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. Philippians 4:11
Like a flood I felt peaceful. It is nothing short of a miracle. I shrugged my shoulders and I will pay what I can and Jake will be okay, there are children going through much worse than him. I started thinking about the world content and that was when I wished I'd had my computer to journal.
In the "job" I have now it provides for us. I make what I did teaching and I get to stay home with my kids. I had just told my husband maybe I can get another JOB and do both so we can have MORE. After saying that verse out loud my heart started to say otherwise. See, in the "job" I have now we are encouraged to dream.
Dreaming is a good thing. We tell people all the time to "reach for the stars". We know they won't actually touch a star but it's the dreaming of what we can achieve that moves us forward. God put those stars in the sky so that we would know Him, seek Him and find contentment.
I think in today's society we are brought up to want "more", to have "more" and to never be satisfied. Instead what if we flipped that mindset and became content so that when we do have "more" we are more satisfied than ever. We are always looking for something else, something more, and we never feel sufficient enough. It's hard to enjoy life like that.
Lately I have become more and more away of others discontentment. Our clothes should be from this vendor and we should be wearing this trend. We want a bigger house for more stuff, we want a house if we life in an apartment. If you are single, get married. The list could go on and on. Eventually we are tired and bitter because we are not satisfied.
I want to be that woman that people know as being content. For the last few days I have been trying to pinpoint what God wants me to work on and today, sitting in that lobby, waiting for more bad news, or worrying for no reason, God sent a sweet angel to wrap his arms around me and give me peace.
If Paul can be content in all his trials and struggles then surely I can be content from this moment forward. If Paul can do it, I can. He learned and realized he needed change. He worked on it and honed the skill of contentment. He practiced it and taught others. If Paul can do that, then I can.
I hear so often..."I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." and that's great but I think sometimes we miss the verses before that one.
"I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know both how to have a little, and I know how to have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content --whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:11-13
The more each day that I believe God's grace is sufficient, the more convinced I am that I will always have everything I need. Whatever He has given me or not given me, he did so with a purpose. That makes me smile. God is has already given us enough and He always well. As my purpose in this world expands to suit His desire for my life, my need will be met accordingly. As for the things I would like to have and don't, I need to be content in knowing that there is a reason.
My Jake is resting, no pulled tooth & super loopy; and now I get to spend this time reflecting and maybe even start a list somewhere of the things God has already provided so that I can praise Him for what he has done and will do.
As I sit here in my bed tonight I have a bazillion thoughts running through my head. Slowly, the thoughts are slowing down so I can focus on just one. My night as been wild so far...
The husband snores while I'm putting 2 of my own kids plus 2 nephews in the bed. They were like popcorn tonight. After cleaning their rooms I put them 2 to a bed I handed the oldest of each a book and told them to read...well, still I kept hearing feet pound the floor as one or two little superheroes came bounding off the bed. The solution tonight was LIGHTS OUT and cracked bedroom windows so they can listen for the wildlife. That worked! Praise the Lord and in the mean time of I managed to tackle a few tasks other than getting them to lay still. I'm so tired!!!
Eventually, I ran a hot bath and as I slid down in the perfectly hot water I closed my eyes and my tired body appreciated the comfort but as always I am almost self conscious in front of my own self. Today I was exhausted mostly from lack of sleep. I stayed with my Granny all night the night before and didn't sleep a wink. I spent hours cleaning house for her before crashing on her couch. It was a miserable old couch to try to sleep on but I wanted to be next to her in her recliner. She didn't sleep either.
While I was thinking how odd it really is that I'm so self conscious of my body my mind went straight to my grandmother. She can no longer drive herself...she hasn't in years. Lately she can barely get around on her own but we encourage her to try. She's had some procedures and new medication to help with how tired she is and they seem to be working for her. I thought about how much she has become dependent on her children and grandchildren lately. It's okay. We want to help. I just can't imagine getting to that point where I would need my boys and grand children to do everything for me.
I thought of my grandmothers tired body...her vessel and I imagined the soul inside and how it is aching to get out. Eventually my body will do the same. The aches and pains of this flesh and this life will become to great and I will be ready to move on to heaven.
Andy Andrews described it best for me in The Noticer Returns. He described the aches and pains and crossing over like being born. When we are in the womb we become uncomfortable and are ready to be born. When I was born I was greeted with love and open arms of family all around me. The same will be true of when I pass away on this earth. I will be greeted on the other side and I will have left this vessel which is tired and worn into a new "home, tent, mansion."
I didn't write this to plug a book. I simply have so much in my head regarding the "flesh" and how it constantly fails me. Not because it wants to but because it just does. Instead, I try to focus on staying healthy and serving others. There are many, many things I want to document when I read about our bodies, our flesh, and our new heavenly bodies. So, I figured I'd start somewhere.
I sometimes feel like I'm being led down a rabbit hole or an adventure into the unknown when I'm studying scriptures. As many times as I've read 2 Corinthians 5 about our heavenly homes, I had never thought of our homes as our bodies until one day in church I was reading a slip of paper I had written on years before that lead me to look up those verses in chapter 5. I remembered writing the words down on that slip of paper the last night I stayed with my grandfather. Jesus was SO present in that room with us that night. So many little details were alive and evident. He laid in the bed, his bod completely failing from head to toe and ready to make the cross over. I prayed and read scripture that night because I so badly wanted peace on what was about to happen. Losing him was hard but the peace I felt was from God.
That little slip of paper had written on it, "My papaw cried out that he wanted to "go home", we kept telling him he couldn't go home and in his drunken morphine stupor he cried. We were essentially telling him what he already knew...that he was going home! He was leaving this home and going into open arms to a place where he was cherished and loved more than he had ever known here. I had read 2 Corinthians 5 that night when I realized it wasn't his earthly home he wanted. There was NO comfort there. So, when I found that slip of paper, I went back there and studied more.
Could it be possible that the "many mansions" refer to our heavenly bodies. I mean, if we currently live in "tents" then how could our new bodies not be like mansions in comparison. In this "tent" we groan wanting to be clothed with our habitation from heaven. We groan with burdens not because we want to be without our tents but because there is something better waiting for us because we know as long as we are home in this body we are absent from Him.
So as our bodies groan and moan and we become weak in our flesh and our hearts begin to fail we will remember that in 1 Chronicles 16: 11 it says that we should "Seek the Lord and His strength; Seek His face evermore." In time these flesh tents, bodies that we live in will on purpose and in good timing give out. We will then experience a new body like we could never imagine. One so perfect as to be called our "mansion".
When I closed my eyes early this morning for an additional hour of sleep because my eyes opened way to early something amazing happened, I dreamed. I dream all of the time but sometimes I have one of those dreams that will never leave me and haunt me until I understand it. My dream was one that made me move my feet when I got up this morning so that I could clear my head and focus on a task I was meant to do.
For about a month and a half I have had adoption application papers in a box, filed away neatly by my bed. I keep waiting for that peaceful moment when I can pull them out and begin chipping away at them. What was I thinking? That moment will just not come. God has really been speaking to me on this which is why I did the "He Speaks to Me" posts. I want people to know that I don't take this matter lightly and it is NO JOKE.
My business seems to wax and wain with the thoughts I put towards the adoption which is no surprise really, God needs me to trust Him on this. I put everything in a box, closed it up and went about life and in the mean time God has not been blessing me so much when it comes to my work. So, he heavily convicted me last week, every single day, and so Sunday morning I pulled the files out and put them in a bag to carry with me. God proved that He was waiting on me and we received a blessing, really multiple blessings. Now it's back out of the bag because this morning He put urgency behind my actions with my dream...
Imagine that you are in the middle of a situation where a young girl, teenager, comes to you and says...I CAN'T find my baby. The whole community starts looking and before the day was out you find the baby. In the woods, alone, crying, dirty, injured and when you pick her up she clings to you with all of her strength and with all of her might she holds on to you. She won't let go and you take her home, bathe her, change her dirty diaper, call the authorities, the doctors, and dress her. Imagine rocking her to sleep for the first peaceful rest and feeding she's had in who knows how long really and then laying her down to sleep. Then imagine that girl coming for her baby and all the while you know what happened, that she had discarded that baby girl and you will fight with everything in you to protect her. She was never wanted, never loved; and now she is. You are going to fight for her.
I feel like I've used the words "fight for your family" a few extra times today we talking to people. I don't believe this dream was by chance. I haven't watched TV, or had any conversations or seen anything remotely that would make me think it was out outside influence. This is His eternal influence.
So today, I found this little green file folder and it screamed...use me! So, I love that I can carry this around and keep it with me. May seem small but to me this is big and instead of waiting on that peaceful moment, I'm going to be writing on these papers and filling them out and reading the articles required and so much more because I will keep it on me even in all my chaos. So if you see my green folder with me, know that I am serious. I'm also personally in great prayer for the mother of this baby girl. Please be in prayer for her. I am asking for LOTS of prayers that God continue to move me forward in His Will, continue to bless our house, my family, my business so that I can stay focused on this task that He clearly is preparing us for.
Before now I have been in complete awe of people that say they can hear our Lord speak to them. Whenever people would say they could hear His Voice my head would cock a little to the side and I would wonder "how?". Then one day it happened. After asking for that experience and the desire or closeness, I found His Voice. It was subtle, clear, and could only be heard in the stillness and quietness of the moment I was in.
In order to hear His Voice I had to want to hear Him. I had a desire so deep inside me to hear my Father's Voice that I had begun to seek it. For days and days it seemed like I was trying to "unlock" a secret phone line to God. I wanted to be able to talk to Him and hear His Voice but what I found suddenly was that I heard Him.
I was laying in my bathtub one night trying to relax but was distressed about a few things. I can't even remember what they were now but I'll never forget when I became perfectly still and all the noise had faded away, then I heard Him. It was a small voice kind of like if you were to think thoughts to yourself. Only, it's not your voice. It's personal to you because He calls you by name, He begins to clear your mind and make the chaos go away in your head so that as He speaks, all the pieces come together. It always feels like He takes all the pieces, gifts, signs, words, everything and puts them together for me. What He reveals is a bigger picture. One I would not have thought of or seen had I not asked for Him to show me what He needs of me.
The day I first heard Him I was overjoyed, I had love flowing all through me, clarity, ideas, and excitement. The things He had placed in me, had spoken to me could only have come from Him. The next day a girlfriend came over and I shared with her what had happened. She felt it was absolutely necessary I call our pastor and share with Him. I did and I explained to Him that I had been wondering for a long time what it was like to hear Him speak. Once I found His Voice I had a desire for more.
The more I hear the more I desire to hear. There is so much to my spiritual journey and so many personal revelations that I may not remember them all. I believe with every ounce of me that is why He is calling me to write out everything He reveals. They are gifts but they are to be shared. They are not just for me, they are for all my sisters. I don't know what He wants to do with the revelations and writings but I have promised to do my best to reveal in such a way that it is clear. I want nothing more than each of my fellow Christians to be able to hear His Voice.
I no longer feel "weird" when I talk about how He speaks to me. I have found that it is more common that we realize. The more I surround myself with others that hear, the more I realize I am not alone and that it is something we all have a desire to experience. We can all experience it. Then again, it's okay if people think I'm weird.
He listens and...
My prayer for you my reader is that you find your still quite place and seek His face. I pray that you begin to see the things that are unseen and that God reveals to you the world through His lens.
There are times in our lives were we just give up, we throw our hands in the air and just fall to our knees. We realize that we can no longer handle everything on our own. We hurt because we can't handle everything but in our minds we must be strong and handle it all. You know that saying ..."God does not give us more than we an handle".. is true. He only gives us what we can handle and He handles the rest...if you let Him. Actually, if you let Him, our Father will handle it all.
About a month after my plea to God to step in and take care of my baby where I was not able so that I could stop worrying, James and I found out we were expecting baby number 2. We announced it quickly because of our excitement. Our wait had been SO long. While this baby was long over due in my books, I began to worry. I was put on bed rest to avoid the preterm labor and early arrival of this baby like I had my first. The entire time I was pregnant I prayed over my growing belly. I'd watch my belly move in the water of the bath and I'd cry out (literally) to God to protect Him. I did this almost daily. When that baby was born, God made it PERFECTLY clear that He had been in control the whole time, that he orchestrated his arrival and birth to be perfect, that his name was perfectly chosen and that was when I realized God was listening to me.
Soon after baby number 2, baby number 3 came along and I found myself a mother of three at home alone all of the time. I was more lonely then than I had ever been in my life. James and I had gone back to church when baby number 2 arrived but it was such a lonely place for me too. So, we stopped going again. Then one day God sent a friend to my door. She knocked and I opened and she said "I heard you had another baby?" It still floors me to this day that I was so lonely in my little life that my own friend didn't know. She wanted to buy some of my maternity clothes because she was pregnant too. I sold her two tubs for next to nothing because I knew I was done and she needed them. The most important conversation I had had with a friend happened that day when she asked "Are you going to church anywhere?" Usually, I would say really fast that I was a member of "This or That Church" but I was honest and said no. With excitement she invited me to hers and we went.
When we first walked into that church with a car load of boys we were welcomed and we were "fed". The Holy Spirit was there that day and my heart could not believe what it was feeling and my ears could not believe what they were hearing. The Spirit moved in that church but it would be a long time before the Spirit would baptize me. In the mean time of waiting on the Spirit the relationship with our Father began to grow.
I heard the preacher once say "God is speaking to me, I can hear Him." That was when I realized that I had never heard His Voice. I didn't know how to hear His Voice and I sure didn't know if it were possible for me to hear His Voice. I was sure that hearing the Voice of God was reserved for those educated in the Bible or those he had "chosen". There was no way it was for me too, it just couldn't be for me. Something in me wanted to be that close to God so...I asked if I could hear Him.
God was listening...
My prayer for you today is that if you can not hear Him speak, that you open your heart to the possibility that He needs you to hear Him. You are special and He has something special for you.
I haven't always been a seeker of my Fathers face. I have not always been a listener. I doubt my story is much different than many. It could be your story. You could be now, where I was...I was a prayer. I did pray but seeking His face and being a listener for His Voice puts you on a whole other playing field. For the next few days, I am going to share with you my personal journey. My prayer is that you will catch that you can become a seeker and a listener too.
I had a pastor friend from my childhood ask me before my husband and I were married, "How is your walk?" I stuttered for a second and then said, "I'm sorry, what do you mean?" He reply, "Your walk with Jesus, how is your walk?" My heart pounded and I turned red, my walk...what walk? I replied, "Oh, good. Its good!" With that response, he knew it was not good. He encouraged me to find a church home and to keep in touch and let him know more about my journey. We talked for a few minutes, he had to decline to come to Georgia from where ever he was then and marry us.
When I began to raise my family, I remember trying to take my babies and husband to church. I remember the struggle all to well. My sweat husband just did as I wanted and got ready for church, we got the baby ready and we went to the same church my grandmother and family had gone to for years. The baby would cry each time in the nursery so after a while we stopped going because knowing my baby was crying out weighed my desire to be in the church pew.
Years past and my husband and I had been trying for baby number 2. It was the longest I had ever tried for anything. My desire to have another baby was bigger than my desire to give up on all the treatments and disappointment. So, we kept trying. Eventually a night came in January where I laid out on my bed with the hottest tears in my eyes I think I'd ever had and I did something I had never done before. I gave my first baby back to God. We had never dedicated him to a church and that night I dedicated him back to God. It wasn't because I thought I should, it was simply because I felt so helpless trying to raise that sweat child of mine and I worried all the time. I worried about everything and even things that weren't things at all, things that would never happen but they were all in my head and I just could not worry anymore. My worry was becoming bigger than me, my desire to be a good mother out weighed my desire to do it alone. My prayer was...
"God I can not do it anymore! I think I will always be afraid of not being able to protect him from everything in this life. I have got to have You be in my place where I can not be. I need You God to step in be sufficient in this boys life where I am not. He is yours. You trusted me with Him but I can not do it alone."
even when you don't.
My prayer for you is that you give all your worry to Him. Even if you can't hear Him, he wants to take away what is burdening you and free you from that weight. If you can do that then He will take it and in doing so you will trust Him more and more. He is listening. He is waiting on you.
We all have them. We all wake up some mornings and just love our life and then as the day goes on it seems like our day falls completely apart. Before the day is even over you are full of questions and worry. Today, I loaded my boys up into the swagger wagon along with my nephews and drove the 12 miles to our church for VACATION BIBLE EXTREME (when I type it I hear an announcer like from WWF in my head, sorry). Our church VBX is always amazing and the kids LOVE going but this week I've had some slightly sick little boys on my hands. This morning, I thought they were all better as I drove to the church. When I pulled up my littlest Little said, "I don't feel so good." So, I dropped off the other Little's and headed back home with a little sickie. He asked for Sprite, chicken noodle soup, and I suggested a movie. It sounded like the perfect morning with my baby minus that he felt bad.
I popped in a movie, fixed a cup of Sprite, made chicken noodle, loaded my dishwasher, ran some clothes, sorted laundry, baked a chocolate lava cake (FOR REAL), and cooked some grilled chicken. I then sat down with him to watch movie number two when it happened...I went to check on my laundry that was supposed to have just finished washing and it was wet, heavy and wet. That couldn't be right. I was sure that it was supposed to be not so heavy and wet before going into the dryer. I loaded another load and realized something was off. It was washing before it filled with water. I messed around with it awhile until I thought maybe it would work, then my dryer started making a funny noise, loud and scary. I opened the door, it seemed to be working but when I went to start it, buzz, buzz, buzz and then nothing. The starter went kaput. I felt so defeated. Defeated seems to be a popular word in my vocabulary lately.
Okay, here's the kicker. I decided I need to run an errand before picking up my oldest from church. So, we left...defeated and all. I picked up Cooper and my husband called so I told him about my defeat. On the way home I started feeling just disgusted. We've been paying off debt, swearing off credit cards, and doing everything we know to do, that we've been taught to do by Dave Ramsey. I'm not sure that our emergency fund has been replenished...so I started worrying about that. If I can't dry clothes I will need a new dryer...I worried about that. What if the washer needs work because it won't spin the water out of our clothes...I worried about that. My business is slow this month...I worried about that. My husband called again..I gave him an ear full when he asked me if I had gotten everything done...I worried about that. Do you ever feel like your worry is pressing in on your chest so that it's hard to breathe and it's making your eyes cross? YES! That's how I felt on the drive back home as my oldest son told me he needed to go to the doctor because of a bump on his shin and my littlest wanted to go because he felt bad still. My thoughts were going around and around in my head. My worry made me feel like that washing machine felt, like it was stuck in a slow moving spin cycle, that I was going around and around, that I wasn't efficient, that I couldn't do my job well. This "spin cycle" I was in had me pressed against the walls with my eyes closed tight and praying for it to stop.
I just wanted some peace for one minute just to cast all this worry onto Him but He knows that. He already knew it! He knows how weak I am. He knows that I will turn to worry but He uses this weakness to draw me closer to Him. He wants to be my salvation. Isaiah 12:2 says that we are to trust and not be afraid. The Lord is our strength.
Just like all moms, we try to find peace in our chaos. We feel that we are constantly in chaos and that we have so much to worry about and it gets out of control. The faster our spin cycle spins, the more that is pressed out of us and sometimes it is just plain UGLY. As moms we would love to always spend time without worry in a peaceful place where we can enjoy our babies while they are little. It's just not going to happen that way unless we start really pressing into Him. If the chaos is overwhelming and the distractions just won't stop then we must know we have the power to summon His angels into our presence for help. He will send them. However, sometimes the spinning is necessary for a moment. It reminds us that we can't possibly do it all, that we need Him, and in order for Him to help, He has to press some things out of us to make room for Him.
As I pulled into our garage and my kids exited the car and as my husband was hearing me vent I realized I just needed some peace. I've become a little spoiled by spending time with our Father. It seems now that I've really started pressing the more I want to press. The more time I spend seeking His love and strength, the less I worry. I become frustrated with the chaos and become demanding for His peaceful presence. That's how it should be. When I spend time with Him he loves it and so when I came into the house I went into the laundry room. The clothes in the washer were exactly how I expected them this time and the dryer...the dryer; well, the dryer started right up and went right on back to work. Yep, it did!
I put my sick baby in the shower and down for a nap. The middle boy went to his room to play and the oldest went into his room, cranked up Toby Mac and got busy working in there and even unloaded the dishes when I told him too. As a result I have spent time writing, studying, journaling, and reflecting. Even for just a few minutes...I have pressed into Him. Now when husband gets home, I may even go for a nice long run...I've got some thanking to do.
Image on this post provided with permission from DaughterZionDesigns from Etsy.com and are available for purchase.
Last night just before going to bed I opened my Bible and it opened to a devotion called "Intimate Doubt". I fell asleep last night with the thought that "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called." The devotion was out of the book of Jeremiah and it pointed to the fact that even Jeremiah doubted His calling. He took that doubt to God and gave it to Him and God was okay with it. For the last month I have been doubting what He is calling me to do and consistently He puts scripture or devotions or words from others and even books that are screaming to me to WRITE! It's so hard to do that when your brain and mind and thoughts feel fuzzy. I ask "Why Me?" and "What about?" He pointed out something in my heart today that I believe!
See, I have a masters degree in Reading. Why Reading? It's simply, I love to read. I never have enough time to read and I believe that every human being deserves to have the ability to read. Reading is not just about words, it can be about symbols but ultimately it's about the CONNECTION!
Oh, my! While I write this something big is happening in my heart. CONNECTION! I took a test a few months ago online called Strength Finders. My number one strength was that I'm a connector, connectedness is my strength. It's not my only strength but it is was the one that I was found to be the strongest in. Here is what the Gallup Business Journal says about my strength.
Things happen for a reason. You are sure of it. You are sure of it because in your soul you know that we are all connected. Yes, we are individuals, responsible for our own judgments and in possession of our own free will, but nonetheless we are part of something larger. Some may call it the collective unconscious. Others may label it spirit or life force. But whatever your word of choice, you gain confidence from knowing that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it. This feeling of Connectedness implies certain responsibilities. If we are all part of a larger picture, then we must not harm others because we will be harming ourselves. We must not exploit because we will be exploiting ourselves. Your awareness of these responsibilities creates your value system. You are considerate, caring, and accepting. Certain of the unity of humankind, you are a bridge builder for people of different cultures. Sensitive to the invisible hand, you can give others comfort that there is a purpose beyond our humdrum lives. The exact articles of your faith will depend on your upbringing and your culture, but your faith is strong. It sustains you and your close friends in the face of life's mysteries.
How then does God intend to use me as a writer. I have always believed I was a terrible writer...but friends tell me I'm good with the written word. I'd have to admit I'm much better with written than with spoken. I'm not a grammar nazi as some people call them. I just write and it may end up that I right. Or that their are so many mistakes in my righting that people have a hard time reading it. See. So I realize that there are gifts that people have beyond the written word and that would be to make sure everything is grammatically correct. I'm not bad at it but it's not my strength (wink). Instead what I am good at is seeing the connections.
Back to that...
When I was getting to my degree in Reading, one of the things that my beloved professor, Dr. Amber Prince, God rest her soul, said was, "The author is forever connected to the reader. Just as we are here and having this conversation, the author is able to convey thoughts and the reader is able to interpret them. The reader's response to the author is simply how the book effects the reader."
I'm going to stop fretting over WHY God wants me to write and just do it. Who knows what nonsense will come out of my finger tips? He does! I have a feeling that God will be directing them as well. I want to get lost in His thoughts because my thoughts are not His. I want the words that connect us, that come off my finger tips to be His.
1 Peter 5:7 was what our guest pastor preached on Sunday during service.
My sweet new friend over at DaughterZionDesigns had this beautiful print available. She's letting me borrow it. You should visit her shop. It's beautiful.
I saw this print and just KNEW it was connected to this lesson for me (and maybe you too). How else could it be more obvious? Casting your care, your anxiety, your fears, your burdens all on Him. He is the most capable. When you do then you can not take them back. So, I'm casting today.
I'm casting my intimate doubt!
What are you casting?
Come on...run with me a minute.
Thursday morning I woke up with a huge, heavy burden on my heart and all I wanted to do was run. When I run I escape for a little time, I clear my head, I release happy endorphin's, and I spend time learning lessons from God. As soon as my feet hit the pavement my eyes started welling up as my lips started muttering to God that I needed Him. I would dry my eyes quickly as I saw other runners coming my way and I'd just pull away from my feelings for a bit. Then after I trotted a little further I heard that small Voice say..."Top of the Hill". I just laughed to myself. Seriously? I'm supposed to go to the top of the hill? I can barely run on level ground much less up a hill. As I approached another road the Voice grew and grew until I could not deny it. "Top of the hill." it said over and over. So I reluctantly turned towards the hill, the highest in the park, but told myself I was not running up that big hill, I was walking it...and I did.
Along the way I talked to God about the burdens and all the chaos in my head. It became very windy where the road leveled out a bit, I paused, and then I kept climbing. All the while I was searching for Him and listening for the Voice. I got to the top of the hill and looked...nothing...except, there was a trail that went higher so I wasn't at the actual top of the hill, just stopped where the road stopped. So I took the trail taking note that it was unexpected and I didn't know where it led but I'd take it. I climbed until I reached the top and it was a grassy clearing. I went to the center of the clearing to listen and...nothing.
Ugh! I was getting frustrated. I was sure the Voice said to go to the top of the hill. I couldn't have been mistaken, there had to be something for me. I was so frustrated. About the time I decided to go back down I noticed another path. By the looks of it the path would take me back down the hill and it would probably end up at the road where I noticed earlier a path wound around and met the road I'd just come up on. So I thought, I'll go for it. Trail running is fun...I suppose.
As I start to head down, I noticed that the trail took a dip but then rose again and went up, way up. I couldn't have seen that before. I have to admit, I was starting to get uncomfortable with my place in the woods at this point. These woods have always felt a little creepy to me because I don't know them and when I finally, for SURE got to the top of the hill it really was creepy. There was a small opening in the woods and there were monuments on either side of the path. One was particularly tall and at the top was a stone civil war solider standing and looking off into the distance with no nose. He was almost the last straw for me, I wanted to turn and run back down the hill to "safety". Instead I stood still and looked around. I listened and prayed. I felt ...afraid. All sorts of terrible thoughts ran through my head, I could see the headlines now. "They found the woman in the woods and they spotted her by her neon yellow shoes. She had been hacked to bits by what we believe to be as a machete, there must be a murderer on the loose in these woods."
So, to calm my fears I sat down on a monument and put my back flat against it so I felt less exposed on all sides. I took a deep breath and prayed for God to show up. Seriously, I was finally at the top of the hill and this is how I felt? All of the sudden I felt something on my leg. I looked down. It was a tiny tick that I had picked up, a little hitchhiker. I plucked it off and tossed it away and realized that was my lesson. It was all so simple. The calmness I needed came over me and I felt the Voice rise up and say. "What is it you are afraid of? Your mind plays games and tricks on you. You are letting the evil one frighten you when I do not put a spirit of fear in you.".
I felt so safe at that point. I stood up and started walking back down the trail and back down the hill letting the Voice reveal to me the message. See, I was afraid of things that weren't real. I was afraid of things in my head instead of being still and finding peace with Him. Peace was found when I was still and allowed Him to point out and make me aware the real dangers. Once I saw what I was supposed to be aware of, that tiny little tick, I knew that all my other fears were false. That tiny little tick was dangerous. His little bite held poison that could ravage a body. It wasn't the fear of what might be that as dangerous but what I wasn't even aware of that was.
So, because I was still God calmed my fears and opened my eyes and senses to the real danger. That tiny little hitchhiker almost went unnoticed, I almost bolted with fear before ever knowing he was on me. I realize now that the things I'm afraid of are in my head. There are so many things that we worry about daily and don't deal with out of fear. Fear is keeping us from trusting Him and makes us want to bolt instead of be still. So, while the climb was hard and I didn't want to do it, there was a lesson at the top. If I had picked the easy road and not gone up the hill I might not have learned the lesson He wanted to teach me but instead I let the Voice guide me, teach me and grow my knowledge of His wonders.
When I sat down to write this out I opened my Bible and again it opened to the perfect scriptures. Proverbs 8. The whole thing...every word of Proverbs 8 was for me (and you) and this lesson He is teaching us. Here are the most powerful parts to me but I encourage you to open His Word and experience it as a whole.
Do not be afraid. Trust Him, be still, and pray for His wisdom.
From the Bible Gateway, NKJV Proverbs 8.
The Excellence of Wisdom8 Does not wisdom cry out,
And understanding lift up her voice?
2 She takes her stand on the top of the high hill,
Beside the way, where the paths meet.
3 She cries out by the gates, at the entry of the city,
At the entrance of the doors:
4 “To you, O men, I call,
And my voice is to the sons of men.
5 O you simple ones, understand prudence,
And you fools, be of an understanding heart.
6 Listen, for I will speak of excellent things,
And from the opening of my lips will come right things;7 For my mouth will speak truth;
Wickedness is an abomination to my lips.
8 All the words of my mouth are with righteousness;
Nothing crooked or perverse is in them.
9 They are all plain to him who understands,
And right to those who find knowledge.10 Receive my instruction, and not silver,
And knowledge rather than choice gold;
11 For wisdom is better than rubies,
And all the things one may desire cannot be compared with her.
32 “Now therefore, listen to me, my children,
For blessed are those who keep my ways.
33 Hear instruction and be wise,
And do not disdain it.
34 Blessed is the man who listens to me,
Watching daily at my gates,
Waiting at the posts of my doors.
Eve, oh Eve! You were so powerful and didn't even know it. Your words dripped from your mouth like honey and enticed your man to take a bite of sin. You Eve, have more power than you would ever know. 1000's of generations of women think of you and imagine your beauty, your simple beauty, as the first woman made by the hand of God. However Eve, your power has cursed the generations of women that came after you. We now raise our babies in a world of sin, try to love our husbands in a world of sin, we try to love our friends in a world of sing, all thanks to your. There is one thing we cannot do, we cannot look at you and say we would never do such a thing.
A while ago I spent some time with a few girl friends. It can get so raw when girls get together and talk about their marriages. We all have such deep issues that we are either dealing with or have dealt with. We are either in the midst of trails or have been through them. No one that is married is immune to that. We can be head over hills in love with our husbands or not. Sometimes we are in a place where we want to get as far from them as we can for awhile or we want to run right into their arms. What I have found is that every marriage, every single one, requires work.
What I think we sometimes miss is our power as women. We have the power in us to change our marriage for the better every single day. We have the power in us and sometimes we don't even realize it. I found myself telling a friend over and over that she was powerful, one of the most powerful girls I know. She didn't believe me. I have seen her influence women, bring tears to their eyes with hope, she's talked strength into me and into others but she didn't see herself as the pillar of strength that she is.
Holy Spirit Power...
What we can do is usher our families to the throne of Christ Jesus with the singing of our voices, with our daily love, we can offer up our bodies as worship, and we can change the face of our nation with love. As mothers, sisters, and daughters we are the gatekeepers of of our faith. We are taught that our husbands are the spiritual leaders of our homes, that is true. However, with the Holy Spirit a woman has the power to usher in generations to God.
I was busy this morning making beds, collecting laundry, wiping down bathrooms, you know the stuff I always say I should do. Yes, I was actually doing it, but as I started down the steps I heard a small voice say....
"Why are you so busy? stop, Stop, STOP!"
I turned on my heels and went back upstairs, laid out on my neatly made bed and held my Bible. I closed my eyes and turned my focus on that voice. God wanted to know my heart. He wanted me to say out loud why I was so busy, too busy. So, I confessed that I am afraid of the changes He has been making in my life. While I get excited about seeing His works, I am a little afraid of the unknown. Truly, I am lost on His plans for me. I know He has them. Jeremiah 29:11 has become a popular verse around me lately. So, I asked Him to show me His plans. I want Him to plant a seed in me that will grow as a dream and turn into my purpose.
As I was praying I asked that He showed me in His word and I opened my Bible. Immediately my eyes fell to a little box in my Bible with a little green title that said : God Prevails in His Plans.
"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21
At that moment my heart cried, "I have a God that is real, and BIG, and all in my life. I've asked Him to start revealing His plan for me. Slowly throughout the day He has unwound it for me. He's given me direction and first steps.
I noticed in my journal from back in April that I had written a message from Him that was on my heart after reading Haggai 2: 18 & 19.
"Come back to Me. My Spirit will bless you. I will remove chaos. I have a job for you to do. You can not be trusted with this job unless you stay close to me. Talk to me in everything you do. Do not become distracted. Do not forget. I have called you to serve many but you are weak and afraid. My children need You now more than ever. Write so you won't forget and seek My face daily!"
That journal entry was the last one written until I opened the book today. See, God forced me to go back and see it. My computer that I had been journaling on had failed and I grabbed the one I write in from time to time. For weeks, it is obvious that He has been giving me instructions to write.
So the rest of today's story goes....
I'm working on a book.
I'm writing it even if no one reads it because it was given to me to write.
I'm doing this because He is telling me it must be done.
I have found that if I say "I can't" He makes it possible.
About a month ago I told a friend about my little project and how I just couldn't bring myself to turn it into a book. She asked why. I had no real answer. My answer was that I didn't have time and that I was a little afraid of being so bold. Two weeks ago a blog reader messaged me and asked if I had my project in a book format that could be downloaded and sadly I said "no". Last week that project landed in my Inbox in a book format and I was too afraid to see it until 3 nights ago, I finally opened it and I just smiled. I'm so humbled that someone would love my work enough to do that for me. I'm more humbled that my Father thought it was worthy enough to put it on someone's heart to take that next step for me. The monthly requests from a publisher have never stopped since my first inquiry 2 years ago. Tonight, my husband said "I know you didn't want to publish, you told me a long time ago you didn't want to." I promise if it were up to me, I would not dream that big.
So, here's how I look at it. God is clearly calling me to do more. I'm not a gifted writer, I just enjoy spilling out things that are in my head and on my heart. I am a lover of books. I love books and reading them! So, I guess I will roll with it and maybe take a few extra steps to see what happens next. I feel like this project is His anyway. It never was mine.
I'm a little overwhelmed with all the clues and gifts He's given me today.
"Write so you won't forget."
My blog has always been personal to me. It has never been for anyone else but myself. It is where I write, it may be terrible, messy, chaotic, but it is always truth. I write even if no one reads, I write because I was called to do so. I can not make promises about how often I will write, when, or about what. It is always what is on my heart at that moment. It could be my work, my children, my hobbies, anything I want to touch on and share outside of my own head. Today, after a few days of God pricking my heart, I am writing....
A little background...My life gets messy fast. I am a mom of all boys, 3 of them, 4 if you count my husband, 5 if you count our dog. I love every minute of being their queen, their hearts, their pillar of strength when they need it. However, I get distracted easily. I let little bits of chaos begin to build in various places of our lives. I forget to remember to do things, I forget to write them down; my journals, my planners, my calendars may go empty for days.
God has been calling me to work for Him and I don't know what He wants from me. I don't know the direction He is sending me in but I know that He made my days, he prepares my way and He guides my feet through this journey of life. I count the little blessings and give Him glory for them. However, I lose sight of Him when I become too busy to notice the little gifts He leaves daily.
This morning, His calling while I am home alone has been strong. Yesterday He kept me in tears. They were only from the overwhelming love that radiates from Him. He has placed me here where heaven meets earth. He placed my soul here to do something besides the daily grind. I struggle with purpose...I STRUGGLE WITH PURPOSE. What is my purpose? I know I am to be a wife and mother. What else? What more does He have for me?
I laid prostrate on the floor this morning and asked Him to speak to me. He calls me by name. "Aimee, you can not know what I have for you until you open My Word." I got up, went for my Bible and the first thing I did, something I've never done, was put my lips against His word with love. OH! The feeling of loving Him...like kissing His face, I kissed His word, tears streaming down my face.
Opening His Word and letting the message fall open can be amazing. Some say it can be dangerous but there is nothing dangerous about His word. God is calling me to plant my flag, high on a hill for all to see and so that He can be present in our lives, gently, like the dew on the ground. He will rise up like the heat from the desert floor.
HAGGAI! Oh, Haggai, your message of Hope of God's involvement in our lives is so beautiful. It is truly our souls desire to be near our Father and Haggai brings us the promise. We must take our spiritual matters seriously. God wanted there to be a PLACE OF WORSHIP! A Temple for us to bring our worship too. Now we go so He can clean us and wash us...that alone is a symbol of servitude from our Father.
Haggai 2:19 Spoke to me about His promise! He speaks to me through His word but He also speaks to me in that small voice that says...
"Come back to Me. My Spirit will bless you. I will remove the chaos you are praying about. I have a job for you to do. You can not be trusted with this job unless you stay close to me. Talk to me in everything you do. Do not let yourself become distracted. Do not forget I have called you to serve many but you are weak and afraid. My people need you now more than ever. Write this down, so you don't forget."
I will kiss his face daily, the great I AM is calling me to love Him back. His love for me pulls me in. My purpose is greater than I can see. I can not see over His horizon but I will trust Him.
Readers: Please be in prayer for me and the purpose He has for me.
Bless you in advance!
It doesn't matter where you came from, what you believed before. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us who believe. Since God chose you to love, you must clothe yourself in tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. You must make allowance for others faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. The most important piece of clothing you must wear is LOVE. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony. As members of one body we are called to live in peace and always be thankful. Colossians 3
This morning as I study before my babies wake up and husband rolls over to get ready for their day I am reminded of how I must be. Colossians is one of those little books of the Bible that I don't read often enough. If more of us who are striving to be like Christ would live these words, others would notice. I am more than tired of watching Christians battle against each other on theology or beliefs. The message is simple, we have got to get out of the way of the gospel and let the Good News speak for itself.
My prayer this morning is that God forgive me for what I do that is not of Him. I need forgiveness daily but I always ask for His help. When I am drawn away by the world and earthly things I must remember that it is me that is severing the building of our relationship. My soul longs for heavenly riches that can not be found here. My soul cries out for acceptance and words of affirmation but if I will remember to take the time to open my Bible each day and spend moments with my Father, I will find that my love language is understood by the One who created it to begin with. I pray that my eyes are open to His Will and I thank Him for the gifts He leaves me throughout the day because He loves me.
I don't know about all of you moms out there but sometimes I get aggravated by silly little things my boys obsess about, this morning it was a $15 "trapper keeper like" notebook my 11 year old had to have. He has it and is excited about it, he didn't want to put it in his book bag and so I shoved it in there for him after watching him for 5 minutes try to figure out what to do with it. But when I looked up at his face I could tell that bothered him that I didn't LOVE his notebook like he did. So, that bothered me. Perhaps it was because I called it a "stupid notebook". Ugh! As soon as I said it I knew...bad seed.
I have got to learn how to lift them up and strengthen their spirits when they are with me. Sometimes I feel like I fail at that because I stress about things that don't matter. I have thought about doing a devotion with them in the mornings but I think before I do that I have to get my heart right! I can not walk around pretending that it is. The last few weeks I have been picturing my heart as having all these black stains and I've asked for forgiveness but I think it's got to be more than that. I have got to be purified so that when the "well spring" comes bubbling up, it's good things that come out of my mouth. Lately, I have got myself saying things I regret...bad seed.
I noticed this morning that a particular Bible in our house was no longer collecting dust. My husband has been reading it and doing his studies before bed at night. Now that we have gotten rid of the TV in our bedroom he is looking for a better use of his time. He's leading me and I am neglecting to follow...bad seed.
So, I think that today all us mommies and future mommies should pray for them and pray for ourselves too. God has all the wisdom we can imagine, it's time we ask for more. He will purify me today because I'm going to let Him. I have about 6 hours of today to spend in conversation with Him. So while I'm purging my home of clutter today I will be confessing...good seed!