Last night my husband and I sat on the couch and talked.
I love talking to him.
Our conversations are usually me talking and him listening and in the end he gives amazing words of wisdom. I don't know how he does it. It's like he should be a counselor or something, even though I want him to be a chiropractor.
He puts things into perspective with one sentence.
He rubbed my feet and listened. The boys were noisy and wouldn't settle down to sleep.
We were distracted often but he sat and listened because he knew he needed to.
My heart was so full it was pouring out of me in the form of tears.
I first gave God all the credit..
See, years ago I started praying that God empty me. I was sick of "me" and what the world wanted me to be. My heart was selfish and ungrateful. I asked that He empty me and feel me up with Him. I wanted to be a vessel full of His goodness that I could pour out onto others. I wanted to be different. Maybe even weird. I was okay with that.
Then I wanted to be a light, I wanted Him to clean up my dirty, soot covered, dusty lamp. I wanted him to light His flame in my heart and I wanted it to shine. I wanted all of the dirty washed away so others could see Him. I imagined my light looking dim like one in a dirty oil lamp. I prayed for this cleansing.
On day in my private place that I spend time with Him, in a hot bath, I prayed. Tearfully prayed for God to show me the more that He needed me to see. I knew there was more, something I was missing. I closed my eyes and just spent time seeking Him. When it was all done my bathwater looked so dirty, like mud. I was shocked. Was I that dirty? Or had my perspective changed? Was I that dirty everyday?
After what seems like years of feeling dirty of the world I finally got it. Everyday, I go out into the world and get dirty with the world. So, everyday I feel the need to shower and wash to get clean and rest. My spiritual self needed the same thing. Everyday my spirit, my soul, goes out into the world and gets dirtied up by it. Everyday I need it to be cleansed away. Only He can do that. So I spend time with Him.
My conversation with my husband required that background information.
Then, last night as I sat at a little church service as a guest with a friend I had the privilege of hearing her testimony. The whole experience was like watching a flower unfold. It felt orchestrated for me by Him. For the last few months I have felt like I was wandering around a bit. Not completely in the dark but just not being able to see very far ahead. My purpose feels as though it is hiding in a fog.
It started with the pastor speaking. I had never laid eyes on the man before but I knew his voice. I spent the entire time he was talking trying to figure out where I knew him...my mind said "radio". Okay, but from what I wondered.
Then a lady I had recently met, we will call her Jane, stood up and shared a bit of a testimony leading up to my sweet friend. She shared that my friend had given her a devotion and then she came along with her to a Bible study that had changed her. My eyes widened.
Then my friend, we will call her Beth, was introduced and she showed her video testimony but there was more. As she started speaking and opening up God's word I started feeling like a beam of light was on me. This wasn't my night to shine, to share, this wasn't for me. Or was it? Beth spoke of a friend who told her about the devotion she shared with her friend Jane. She told of a friend that had told her given her a Psalm to read at a moment of confusion and frustration. She told of how that Psalm changed her and her experience was so beautifully orchestrated by God. As a result she has been abundantly blessed beyond her dreams.
Later Beth's friend Jane told a few ladies that her friend, we will call Joelle, who had attended the Bible study with her had started the same study at her church. Joelle had 15 women in that study who were being greatly blessed. Jane was going to start it at hers too.
Then Jane, pointed at me.
There's that spotlight shining right on my heart.
She said..."Because of you."
No, no, no! Not because of me...because of HIM!
See, last night was a gift my Lord Father knew I needed.
To see the fruits of His Spirit.
To see that His light was shining through me to grow others out of darkness.
Like seeds of fruit planted in the dark earth, we need sunshine to grow.
He wanted me to see fruit.
I quickly told of how the book from the Bible study came into my possession. I told of how when I opened it I felt as though the author wrote it for me for that particular time in my life. I started reading it the day before my Granny passed away. The first chapter discussed death and the gaping tear in our hearts it causes. The first chapter held my name...Aimee. The first chapter was for me at that very moment and my Father knew I would need it because the next morning I learned my Granny had passed away.
That book turned into THAT Bible study in my living room. I was in awe of the variety of sweet souls that attended. It was all Him! He brought us together.
I had been reading the devotion I recommended for my friend Beth that she shared with Jane.
I had been reading Psalms that morning she text me with her frustrations...I prayed because I had no answer but God did. So, I simple text Psalms 51. She found Psalms 51:7 and God made it personally hers.
As my friend Beth unfolded her very private story of her relationship with Christ, I saw that God had been using me as a vessel like I had asked Him to, as a lamp like I had asked Him to,. He knew what she'd need. He knows what we all need.
As I sat on the couch telling my husband all of this he said...God showed you the fruits.
Yes! That's exactly right.
I almost feel like sharing this my squelch what God has going on by revealing it because it seems so secret until it's seen. I pray not. I pray that He continue with His blessings. I pray that He continues to find ways to use me.
I shared with my husband that for so long...
my only desire, ever, was to be a mother.
It's so deep within me.
Nothing could take or change that feeling for me.
It's not a "job", it's a deep, deep desire.
So, then I shared that I don't think God is done with me as a mother.
Unlike many other mothers, their babies get older and they continue to pursue a life passion, a career, or something other than mothering that stirs them. A different passion. For me, that is not the case.
I became a teacher because it was the closest thing I could thing of to "mothering" to do as a career.
I prayed for my babies before I was even old enough to have babies.
So, God is lifting the fog.
My purpose will come into focus.
God is going to help me fulfill my purpose.
He has a plan.
I have a purpose until I take my last breath.
I am a mother.
My purpose is to mother mine...and others.
Little ones need a mother.
I am a mother.
There are lost children who feel unloved.
There are children who don't have a mother.
I am a mother.
I have lots of prayer and guidance to seek.
Adoption is still on the table.
Foster care is now on the table.
It goes without saying...
I am a mother.
See, all these things are just seeds and fruits.
Seeds and fruits.
My purpose is to plant the seeds and see the fruits.
Where I plant and what I plant is up to Him.
How I plant and when I plant is up to Him.
The Spirit leads!
I can go back and see the fruits now from the seeds of then.
There is not instant gratification.
The gratification comes...my soul is purposeful.
So is yours.
You call me out upon the waters (Psalm 29:3, Matthew 14:28-29)
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery (Colossians 2:2-3)
In oceans deep my faith will stand (Matthew 14:30-31)
I will call upon Your Name (Psalm 116:2, 4, 13, 17, Lamentations 3:55-57, Joel 2:32, Matthew 14:30, Romans 10:13)
And keep my eyes above the waves (Matthew 14:30)
When oceans rise (Genesis 7, Psalm 46:1-3)
My soul will rest in Your embrace (Jeremiah 6:16, Matthew 11:29, Luke 15:18-24)
For I am Yours and You are mine (Song of Solomon 6:3, Song of Solomon 7:10)
Your grace abounds in deepest waters (Psalm 42:7, Romans 5:20, 2 Corinthians 9:8)
Your sovereign hand will be my guide (1 Chronicles 29:11-12, Job 42:2, Psalm 31:3, Psalm 73:24, Proverbs 16:9, Philippians 1:6)
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me (Matthew 14:30)
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now (Joshua 23:14)
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders (Matthew 4:1, John 14:16-17, John 16:13,Romans 8:14, Galatians 5:16-18)
Let me walk upon the waters (Matthew 14:28)
Wherever You would call me (Genesis 12:1, 1 Corinthians 7:17)
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander (Exodus 14:21-22, Ezekiel 47:1-9)
And my faith will be made stronger (Romans 4:19-20)
In the presence of my Savior